Another Dawn, Another Day
by DeanBean
Summary: Luka has been working in the Er for a few weeks, will he regret it and the tasks and trails that face him?
1. The Beggining

Disclaimer: usual thing applies, if I owned Luka Kovac would I be sitting here right now?

Frank sat at admit eating one of the many bagels and doughnuts that he would consume during his shift while occasionally answering the ever persistent ringing of the telephone. The ambulance bay doors opened to reveal a drenched and slightly shivering Dr. Luka Kovac. As he entered the ER he headed straight to the lounge, but was interrupted by the booming voice of Frank as he announced to the world that;

"You know, they make these things called cars here in America so that you don't get wet…neat huh?"

Luka, not having the time nor energy to get into a dispute with Frank that, yes he did know what a car was for, he just walked into the lounge to put his things into his locker.

Once inside the lounge, Luka found it to be empty and decided that he would try and get a cup of coffee and change into scrubs before he had to go out and face the world he hung his coat up and was in the middle of pouring himself a cup of lukewarm coffee when John Carter walked in. John was one of the few, friends (if he could really be considered that) that Luka had made during his few weeks working in Cook County General Hospital.

"Hey, you just in?" Carter asked while retrieving something from his locker.

"Yeah, just gotta change into scrubs before I go out into that madness"

"I know what you mean, I'll see ya later"

"Yeah", with that Luka lifted a fresh scrub top, his trousers not that soaked, and changed quickly before leaving the lounge to start his new shift.

Hey I know this is kinda short but hey, I'm new.

So tell me what you think and I promise that the second chapter will be done this weekend and will be longer.

Love MEXXX


	2. First Patient of the Day

Chapter 2 – "First Patient of the Day"

Luka walked out of the lounge and walked over to admit. He dragged his slender fingers through his dark, wet hair and picked up his first patient of the day. He scanned through the chart while making his way over to curtain 2.

_Name:Burrow, Andrew James_

_Age:12_

_Complaints:Sore throat_

Luka was confident that he had picked an easy case to start his shift, but was prepared not to be too optimistic as sometimes even the simplest cases could be the hardest and in the end the saddest. Luka unconsciously shivered as a memory assaulted his mind, he physically shaked himself before going to talk to the patient.

"Hello I'm Dr. Kovac. I hear that you've been complaining of a sore throat?"

Mrs. Burrow now took full liberty to inform Luka of every time '_Little Andy' _had been sick in the previous 12 years of his life, or, was he 15 now, cause Luka was pretty sure he had aged a couple of years after Mrs. Burrow was finished.

"O.K, well I'm gonna take a look at your throat now, see if everything is O.K"

"Kay" Andy rasped out, followed by a coughing fit.

_Yes, so this is going to be one of those cases isn't it! _Luka thought as he waited for the boy to finish.

After 20 minutes the exam was done, after several interruptions from coughing and Mrs. Burrow, a CBC, chem. 7, and chest x-ray had been ordered.

Luka walked over to admit and was about to lift a new chart when a gurney burst through the ambulance bay doors.

"We need a doctor over here!" screamed Doris the EMT.

Luka ran over by the gurney as they began reading the bullet.

"33 year old male, GSW to the chest, stab wound to the belly, Pulse 70/ 100, resp. 87"

"OK, trauma one, Haleah, Lydia, and someone page Benton, this guy willneed surgery"

The team had assembled in trauma 1 and were slipping into the controlled chaos that was so natural to those in the ER.

"OK, on my count, 1…2…3"

As soon as they had transferred the patient onto the gurney and started to hook him up to the various machines.

"I want 4 O-Neg. type and cross matched, a tox- screen and a full chest panel"

Just as Luka had finished speaking the man started trying to get off the gurney.

"OK sir, calm down, let the doctors help you" said Halaeh in her motherly/nurse tone.

"OK, what have we got?" question Benton in his superior voice.

Just as Luka was about to answer Benton when the fist of the man connected with his jaw.

Luka was standing outside trauma 1, holding his jaw with his left had, when Benton came out and shouted over his shoulder,

"You really need to learn how to control your patients, he could have damaged himself because of you!"

Luka looked on with a shocked expression on his face, _I swear to God I will punch that son of a bitch so hard…_Luka's thoughts were interrupted when he felt hand on his arm; that hand belonged to no other than Halaeh,

"Don't worry he gets like that with everyone"

"Sure"

With that Luka set off down the hall.

Review and tell me what you think.


	3. Memories

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own ER, blah, blah, blah, so on, and so forth.

Author Note: In my story Luka has only been in America for 1 year, anything that happened to his family is still fresh in mind, so hence the "Tragedy" part of the story.

Chapter 3 – "Memories"

Luka walked down the hall, but stopped and grabbed an ice pack for is already throbbing jaw. He unwrapped the ice pack and gently placed it too his jaw, he could already feel the effects of swelling and bruising and it had only happened 5 minutes previous.

_I swear what's gonna happen next…will I get hit by a truck or…_

Luka;sthoughts were interrupted by the sound of Olivia shouting for a doctor as she and other EMT's brought in a young girl, no older than four, followed by her mother.

"Dr. Kovac, you can assist me with the young girl" called out the authoritive voice of Mark Greene. Luka could feel the bile rising in his throat as memories of one year previous invaded his mind; he set down the ice pack and ran to trauma 2.

Luka pushed open the double doors of trauma 2 and was immediately thrown into the chaos of the trauma. He quickly slipped on his gloves and was helped into a trauma gown by Lydia.

"OK, we have lacerations to the head, arms and torso. Looks like something got imbedded in her torso when the petrol bomb hit his house"

Luka knew that his face must have gone pale from the look that Lydia gave him.

He walked to the head of the gurney just as monitors started to bleep loudly, indicating that the little girls pulse was gone.

"She's in V-tach!" shouted Mark as he readied the paddles.

"Clear!" and the volts in the fragile body sent it off the gurney, and down again with a dull thud, and thankfully a pulse.

"OK, we need to tube her, Kovac"

At the sound of his name Luka looked up and noticed, as if for the first time that he had just been staring into the facing of the little girl, she looked familiar, painfully familiar.

"Luka!" Mark called his name again trying to get his attention, "Tube, Now!"

Luka fumbled with the tube, his vision had become doubled, and the walls of the trauma room were closing in on him, he knew he would regret what he was about to do but he **HAD** to get out of that room.

"I…sorry…I can't", with that he took off his gloved and walked steadily out of the trauma room without a glance back.

As soon as he walked out of the doors he noticed that he seemed to be shaking uncontrollably;

_No, no, no, this can't be happening again, not now!_

Luka quickened his pace and his feet brought him to, what he knew would be his only rescue, the drug lock-up.

He picked up the nearest narcotic and put it in his pocket, along with a needle and tourniquet.

He walked briskly to the men's bathroom, he made sure the door was closed and no-one was around, rolled up his sleeve, placed the tourniquet around his forearm, waited what could only be the longest moments of his life until a vein came up, and injected the narcotic, just as he had been doing since they had been taken from him.

Please R&R, it would help me greatly.

I hope I am not being too evil leaving you with a cliff hanger like that, but heh it's the longest chapter so far! 

I hope to have the next chapter tomorrow.   


	4. To help me sleep

Dislaimer: the usual thing applies, but _hopefully_ if I am good I can get it for summer.

Chapter 4: "To help me sleep"

_He walked briskly to the men's bathroom, he made sure the door was closed and no-one was around, rolled up his sleeve, placed the tourniquet around his forearm, waited what could only be the longest moments of his life until a vein came up, and injected the narcotic, just as he had been doing since they had been taken from him._

Luka exited the men's bathroom; he quickly deposited the used needle and tourniquet into the nearest bin, careful that no one had seen him. He walked briskly to the admit desk, feeling slightly calmer as the narcotic began to take effect in his system.

"Have the labs come back on the boy in exam 2?" Luka asked Randi. She popped her gum and handed him the page he was looking for.

"Thanks" he said as he scanned the results.

"Brilliant" he said in a sarcastic tone, the young boy had lung cancer, if they were lucky they could start him with treatment within the next few days.

"Good afternoon", Luka shook hands with Mrs. Burrow, "I have the results of Andrew's tests", Luka took a deep breath, "The x-rays showed some dark patches on his lungs, this indicated that Andrew has Lung Cancer", Mrs. Burrow let out a cry and grabbed Andrews hand as he began to cry, "I believe that we have caught it early and with treatment he should make a full recovery, I'm very sorry, someone from oncology should be down to speak with you about treatment soon", with that said Luka got up and left the exam room, he made it about 2 feet from the door when Mrs. Burrows came up behind him.

"Excuse me, Doctor" Luka turned around and was about to ask if she had any questions the doctor from oncology would be down soon when, right on the jaw that got punched earlier, she bitch-slapped him in front of everyone and admit, and all the patients at triage.

"You've made a mistake, Andy _never_ gets sick!" she shouted before she fell to the ground crying hysterically to which Mark Greene came over.

"I am very sorry mam, come over here and try and relax" Mark said as he guided her back into exam 2 while giving Luka a look that meant, _Don't ever do that again!_

Luka rubbed his sore jaw and just walked over to admit and picked up a new chart.

Luka was just suturing a drunks head lac when, Mark Greene came through the door.

"Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to you about what happened earlier today"

"She just found out her son had lung cancer and…" Luka was interrupted by Mark;

"No…I mean in the trauma earlier today with the little girl" at this statement Luka face went pale and he dropped the instruments her was using to the floor.

"Are you Okay?" ask Mark now clearly concerned, he took a step forward and laid a hand of Luka's shoulder, feeling a slight tremble.

"Ah…ah…yeah, yeah…I need to get another suture kit" with that he brushed past Mark and went out the door, Mark following close behind.

"You know you can tell me what it is, it will stay between the two of us?"

"There's nothing to tell" with that Luka walked back inside the suture room. Mark thought about going after him and demanding to know what it was, but decided to leave it for now.

When Luka's shift was over he let out a sigh of relief, it had been a stressful day, all he wanted to do was go home, fall on his bed and not wake up until his alarm the next morning; of course he knew this was going to be impossible, so he went to the lounge grabbed his coat out of his locker and left through the ambulance bay doors.

He was walking along, about to go up the steps to the El platform when a thought hit him,

_I could just take some pills; help me get a few hours rest…but no I've already left, if I go back now they'll get suspicious._

It only occurred to Luka now that he was standing outside of a bar, he hesitated a moment and then pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Please R&R I live for reviews!


	5. The crash

Disclaimer: My name is not Michael Crichton so therefore I don't own ER.

Chapter 5: The crash

Luka walked inside the bar and took a stool by the counter.

"Hey, what can I get ya, doc?" asked a balding man with a rather large gut.

"Vodka…thanks" Luka lifted the drink, looked down at it for a moment as if considering getting up and walking out of the bar when he brought it to his lips and thought _Fuck it! _Before letting the liquid run down the back of his throat and numb his mind.

Half an hour later Luka was on his third vodka, and just finishing his sixth shot.

"Okay, I think you've had enough there doc" the bald bartender said as he removed the still half full glass of vodka out of Luka's reach.

Luka was about to start protesting when he started to get a bit dizzy, and the bartender's twin decided to show up.

"Fine" Luka slurred out, his accent more pronounced in his intoxicated state.

He pushed the stool back, stood up and started to feel really dizzy now, and was about to fall when someone grabbed his arm.

Luka was about to yank his arm free when the tightened their grip and started to pull him outside.

"What the hell do you think your doing!", Luka thought his head was about to explode with the sound of Peter Benton's voice.

"Get off, I'm fine" Luka slurred, still trying in vain to free his arm, _Jesus he's got a strong grip!_

"Really, then why are you sitting in a bar drunk, and from the looks of it getting into bar fights?" Benton asked, indicating to the purple bruise that was along the side of his jaw.

"That happened at work, so I'll be going now" Luka said as he finally managed to get his arm free, but nearly fell to the ground while doing so.

"Fine, I'll give you a lift home" Benton said as he started to follow Luka down the sidewalk.

"No…it's not that far from here anyway…thanks"

Benton was walking backwards onto the road, totally unaware that a car was speeding up the road behind him.

_Benton's P.O.V_

_One minute I'm walking out onto the road backward, and then the next Kovac is running at me and pushing me to the ground._

_It all happened so fast, I fell to the ground and the next thing I hear is the screeching of tyres and the beeping of a horn._

Benton got up off the ground,

"Kovac what the hell do you think…" he was about to start shouting about being so intoxicated that he was crazy when he saw, in the middle of the road right where he had been standing before Luka pushed him, Luka laying motionless on the ground.

"_Jesus Christ!"_ shouted as he ran over to where Luka lay. He looked up and saw the car driving away.

"Hey man, open your eyes", at his command Luka eyelids flickered but did not open.

"That's good, okay can you squeeze my hand", he gently lifted Luka's left hand, as he was lying on his right side; while with his other hand his was getting his cell phone out of his trouser pocket and dialled '911'.

Luka squeezed his hand but it seemed to take all the energy out of him,

"That's okay," he put the phone to his ear but still kept hold of Luka's hand, "Yes, hello I need an ambulance right away…"

_Luka could feel Benton's hand in his and for some reason it offered him comfort, he could hear Benton asking for an ambulance but he sounded far away._

_Luka's mind began to remember how he ran up the steps of his apartment building, how he had to push the rumble away just so he could get inside, running up the steps past his hurt and dying friends and neighbours, he remembered how his heart ripped in two when he saw little Marko's hand sticking out between the bars of his crib, how Danilija had a wound to her side and was slowly bleeding to death, how he had to breathe for Jasna…he remembered breathing for her until he was exhausted and had to stop, by then they were all gone._

When Benton was talking on the phone he noticed how Luka's hand had gone limp in his own, he placed his two fingers on Luka's neck and found a pulse, weak, he noticed how he began to shake also.

"Shit...he's in shock!" he announced to no one as the street was deserted at this hour at night. He took off his jacket off and placed it over Luka while he waited for the ambulance.

"Come on, hurry up!"

Please R&R


	6. Hit & Run, ETA 2min

Disclaimer: if I owned ER, would I be sitting here right now.

Chapter 6 – "Hit & Run, ETA 2min"

"_Shit...he's in shock!" he announced to no one as the street was deserted at this hour at night. He took off his jacket off and placed it over Luka while he waited for the ambulance._

"_Come on, hurry up!"_

Benton was getting frustrated, he was going to go and have a drink before going home but then Kovac was drunk and now here he is lying in the middle of the street because he pushed him out of the way of a car.

Benton's thoughts were interrupted by the moaning of Luka.

"Hey man you doing okay?" Benton asked but Luka didn't answer him just tried to get up of the ground, "hey you can't get up an ambulance is on its way" Benton said but was once again ignored.

"No…I…they'll want to know why…" Luka got as far as that before he passed out.

"Shit..." Benton took his pen light out of his pocket and shined it into Luka's eyes, they didn't react with the light, "Damn, probably a concussion" he put his head close to Luka's chest and noticed that his breathing seemed to be strained, he was about to phone 991 again when he saw and heard the flashing lights come around the corner.

Kerry Weaver stood at admit desk when the radio told them that they had a hit and run ETA 2 minutes.

"Okay, Malik, Halah, come outside with me to wait for this hit & run"

Once outside they saw the ambulance pulling into the ambulance bay and could not have been more surprised by who jumped out of the back of the ambulance.

"Peter, what happened? Were you there at the scene when it happened?"

"You could say that" Peter said as they pulled out the gurney, and Kerry was even more surprised to see fellow Dr Kovac lying on the gurney.

"What happened?" she asked as they pulled the gurney in through the ambulance bay doors.

"I was walking backwards out onto the road; he pushed me out of the way, got hit left side on"

"Okay, trauma 1"

"Okay, on my count, 1…2…3" they transferred Luka onto the gurney.

"Okay, I want a chest x-ray, CAT-Scan, and abdominal panel…" Kerry instructed while putting on her latex gloves.

"Tube's in"

"Add a tox-screen" Peter said while looking at Kerry, "He was drunk when I met him, I don't know if he was taking anything else" Lydia waited for the nod of approval from Weaver before writing it down onto the chart.

"Pupils are un-responsive to light, probably a concussion" Peter said.

"Okay, start an IV, and…" Lydia handed Kerry the tox-screen results, "a banana bag"

She handed Benton the slip and Peter looked at Luka,

"_Why would you take narcotic's?" _Benton shouted at the unresponsive form of Luka.

"Peter calm down, when he's out of surgery we can _ask civilly _then" Kerry warned

"What does he need surgery for?" Peter asked already knowing that he probably punctured a lung but just wanted to be sure.

"One of his ribs broke and punctured his left lung" Kerry said, "I would like either me or you to go along with him up to surgery"

"I really should be getting back to Reece, but page me if anything happens"

"Sure" Kerry said as Halah and her prepared the gurney to bring in up to the O.R.

So what's gonna happen in surgery and what will be the consequences of Luka's drug abuse.

Please review.


	7. Why?

Disclaimer: if I owned ER, would I be sitting here right now.

Chapter 7: "Why?"

"_Sure" Kerry said as Halah and her prepared the gurney to bring in up to the O.R._

**2 hours later**

Kerry was sitting in the surgery waiting room, cradling a cup of cold coffee in her hands, waiting for Romano to tell her how the surgery went. She was about to get up and get a fresh cup of coffee when Romano and a nurse wheeled a gurney around the corner.

"Hello Kerry, I would like you to know that, thanks to me, your foreign pal here is gonna be fine" he said, not even attempting to keep the smirk from his face.

"Thank you Robert, I'm very pleased to hear that" Kerry said while walking along side the gurney, as they were bringing it to the room that Luka would have to stay while he was recovering for the next 3 weeks. The room was private, as Benton had said he would pay for it as, "_he did save my life_".

Kerry was sitting in the chair beside Luka's bed, holding his hand in her own, when she heard a moan coming from the bed. She got up and stood, leaning heavily on her crutch as she was quite tired.

"Hi, you need to open your eyes…that's good" she said as Luka's eyes flickered before fully opening, he blinked a few times before they adjusted to the dim light, coming from a lamp on a table in the corner of the room.

Kerry could see that he was trying to speak but was unable because of the ventilator, so she laid a hand on his shoulder and talked in a soothing tone.

"You can't speak right now because you're intubated" Luka closed his eyes, and turned his head slightly in Kerry's direction.

"I can see that, your tired, so just go back to sleep…" Kerry said as she stroked his hair, noticing that it was sending him further into unconsciousness, he was about to try and say something again when Kerry interrupted him, "Shhh, go to sleep" Kerry continued to stroke his hair until she noticed his breathing had took on the rhythm of a peaceful sleep.

She sat back in the chair beside the bed and took out her cell phone,

"Hello, Peter…Yeah, he woke up about 10 minutes ago…no I didn't ask him…I think we should wait until tomorrow, when he's more awake…okay, I'll see you then" Kerry ended the conversation and sat with Luka for another while before she decided to go home, telling the nurse on duty to call her if anything happened.

**The next morning**

Kerry had told Peter that she would meet him outside Luka's room and they would go in and both question him civilly, not yell at him when they did not know the whole story.

Kerry was standing outside Luka's room with a cup of coffee in a '_World's best Boss'_ mug, when Peter came jogging up the hallway.

"Sorry I'm late, Reece spilt juice on me and I had to change so…" Peter said indicating to his surgical scrubs with one hand, and holding up a t-shirt with a purple stain in the other.

"It's okay, I'm not sure if he's awake anyway" Kerry held the door open while Peter entered and let it shut behind her before making her way over to the top of the bed.

"So, what did he say last night when he woke up?" Peter asked while pulling the chair over to the bed, not sitting down until he had checked over the chart, and made sure the IV was not running out. He sat down and clasped his hands in front of him and leaning his forearms on his legs.

Kerry put her chair on the opposite side of the bed from Peter, and set her crutch against the wall.

They had been sitting there for about five minutes in silence when Luka began to stir on the bed. Kerry and Peter both got up and went to the head of the bed,

"Don't try and talk, your on a ventilator because you had surgery" Peter said as he saw Luka beginning to try and speak.

Only now in daylight could Kerry and Peter see how thin Luka was, his ribs protruding from his chest, except for the left side as it was covered in a bandage. Kerry had left the room to go and get the nurse, so that they could extubate him.

"I hope you know that you're damn lucky a punctured lung was all you got" Benton said while checking the dressing out of habit. When he looked up into Luka's face his expression was confusion and this made Peter feel slightly ashamed, Kerry told him that Luka didn't remember, but he forgot because he was angry Luka could be so stupid to use narcotic's and go out and get drunk.

Kerry came in and saw the look on Luka's face and immediately looked Peter Benton in the eyes with a look that meant something along the lines of **_You never do listen do you!_**

"Okay Luka, we're going to take the tube out now, I'm going to need to blow out very hard for me, okay, now take a deep breath, 1…2…3…there we go" the nurse placed the oxygen mask over Luka's mouth and then exited the room. Kerry waited until Luka stopped coughing and caught his breath before removing the oxygen mask and placing the nasel tube and then placed the straw to his lips, "Now drink slowly, your throat will probably be sore for a few days", Luka looked up at Kerry through his eyelashes, still a confused look on his face.

Kerry took the water away and placed on the bedside table before going to stand at the top of the bed and taking Luka's hand, hoping to comfort him as she knew he was confused and probably in pain.

"What happened?" Luka asked in a horse voice.

"You don't remember anything?" Peter asked while sitting back down in his chair. Luka sighed and shook his head know before looking between Benton and Kerry, hoping they would tell him soon because he was getting worried.

"I went into a bar, you were there, _drunk_, pulled you outside; you pushed me out of the way of a car but got hit yourself, ended up puncturing your lung." Peter said while looking Luka straight in the eye, hoping he would remember, and from the look on his face he didn't.

"You came into the ER, we were treating you when Peter said to run a tox-screen..." Kerry was dreading what she was going to have to tell him next, "you showed positive for taking narcotics" Kerry was waiting for Luka to either deny taking the drugs, or own up and tell then why. Instead he just stared at her, opening and closing his mouth as if considering what to say. Finally he spoke, "I'd been punched in the jaw by a patient earlier in the day…I didn't think it would be a problem…", Kerry was relieved that that was the reason, and not because he was some crack-head, "It's okay, I can see you need your rest so me and Peter will just go and stop by later" Kerry said and then her and Peter walked over to the door and shut it quietly behind them.

Luka lay in bed and all he could think about was how stupid he was, but the only reason he wasn't feeling the effects of withdrawal was because the medication they had him on because of the surgery.

Luka knew that he would have to be careful from now on, he knew that Benton and Kerry would be watching him, probably Greene too, if they had told him.

After lying in bed staring at the ceiling for half an hour, thinking about how shit his life had got and how disappointed _they _would be in him, he fell into a restless sleep.

Please R&R since it is the longest chapter so far. LOL !


	8. Visitors

Disclaimer: if I owned ER, would I be sitting here right now.

**Authors Note:** This is set in season 6, **BUT** Abby and Carter are going out, Carter, Luka and Abby are friends, Luka and Abby never went out. **AND** Carter never got stabbed and had the whole drug addiction thing…_SO continue reading )_

Chapter 8: "Visitors"

_After lying in bed staring at the ceiling for half an hour, thinking about how shit his life had got and how disappointed they would be in him, he fell into a restless sleep._

**Down in the ER**

Abby was standing by the nurses' station when John Carter walked up to her and put his arms around her waist and kissed her on the cheek.

"Hi" Abby said, while turning around to face Carter.

"I was wondering, after our shifts we should go and visit Luka, you know how boring it can get in hospitals sometimes…their fun to work in, but staying in them for 3 weeks, that's a whole new ball park" Carter said, while in true Carter fashion laughed at his geeky joke.

"Sure, what time do you finish at?" Abby said while walking down the hallway with Carter.

"At 6, I'll meet you in the lounge" Carter said while going into exam 1 to tell a 13 year old girl that she was pregnant.

**Luka's Room**

Luka was lying in bed with his eyes closed, his bed raised up only slightly so as not to tear the stitches, his eyes only half open as he was exhausted as he did not sleep well last night, too many nightmares, when the door opened.

"Is he asleep?" Abby asked Carter while edging closer to the bed when he opened his eyes halfway and tried his hardest to stifle a yawn, "How are you?" Abby asked while kissing his cheek.

"Okay, just sore" Luka said while rubbing his eyes, not yet fully awake.

"And tired" Carter said with a laugh while pulling a chair over to the bed to sit beside Abby who had took the one that was already sitting there.

"Yeah, and tired…" Luka said with a far-away look in his eyes, before he suddenly turned around and asked, "So, how are you? The ER?"

"I'm fine," Abby said while picking up his hand and giving it a light squeeze, "I don't know how many times that woman, what was her name?...Maria, has been asking for 'the tall, dark doctor'"

"And I swear, since you've been stuck up here the amount of trauma's have doubled" Carter said which got him a glare from Abby. Luka tried to smile at Carter's joke, but was too tired, "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, just…" Carter said, but Luka just interrupted and said, "Its okay, no offence taken"

_Half and hour Later_

Luka, Abby and Carter had been talking for the past half hour when a nurse came into the room,

"Time for your morphine" the nurse, 'Linda', said while taking the needle out and walking over to the IV drip.

"Well, we better get going, I'll see you later" Carter said as he and Abby got out of their seats.

"Sure, not much good staying if I'll just be falling asleep on ya" Luka said, his eyes already dropping as the morphine took affect.

The nurse left the room and about one hour later Luka awoke with a start, the nightmares even worse than the night before.

He breathed heavily before resting his head back on the pillow, not even bothering to try and go back to sleep, he knew he would only wake again in an hour or so anyway, so he just lay there, thinking about his life before everything got so fucked up, before _they _were taken.

Please R&R

but no bad mouthing, I don't do it, so I would like it if people didn't do it to me.


	9. Going Home

Disclaimer: I don't own ER, _DARN!_

Author Note: To set a few things straight I would like to say, this happens before season 6, but with all the characters, and Luka only lost his family only over a year ago. And Luka is not an attending because I don't want him to be and I need it to be that way to fit in later in the story.

Chapter 9: "Going home"

_He breathed heavily before resting his head back on the pillow, not even bothering to try and go back to sleep, he knew he would only wake again in an hour or so anyway, so he just lay there, thinking about his life before everything got so fucked up, before they were taken._

**2 weeks later**

Luka was sitting up in bed, reading a magazine that Carter and Abby had bought him not wanting him to be bored out of his mind in the hospital room between visits, but it was hard to be bored when you were so exhausted because of a lack of sleep due to horrific nightmares invading your sleep every night. Carter and Abby had probably visited him the most next to Kerry Weaver and Peter Benton. He knew Carter and Abby were coming because they were his friends, but his had the suspicion that Kerry and Benton were keeping an eye on him because of his little slip up, but that day had been hell, he just couldn't handle it, and to be fair, he only took a small amount of what he usually had to take, but as the day progressed it got worse, so; he went out, got pissed, very, very pissed, and then pushes Benton out of the way of a speeding car, gets knocked down himself, and ends up puncturing his lung and getting caught taking said narcotics. Luka laughed a humorless laugh and said out loud to himself,

"If I thought that was hell, then what's going back gonna be like" He shook his head slightly and walked over to the window, as he was finally allowed out of bed and into some real clothes; jeans and t-shirt, and not some oversized hospital gown.

Luka was standing by the window, watching the rain trails on the windows, tracing them with his index finger. Kerry tapped lightly on the door, but Luka still did not notice her entrance into the room, and continued to stare out of the window completely lost in thought, thinking what was it going to be like when he went back, would people treat him anymore different than they already did, and the one thought that kept creeping into his mind, the one he would rather not think about; how would he be able to get his 'fix' if Kerry, Benton, and the more he thought about it probably Greene all watching his every move.

"Luka?" Kerry said, while placing her hand on his shoulder to try again to get his attention. Luka jumped slightly before realizing it was Kerry, "Sorry Kerry, I didn't see you coming in" Luka said as he walked back over and sat on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms protectively around himself, Kerry pulling a chair over to sit on, "I know, you looked miles away…don't mind me asking, but what were you thinking about"

"Oh, nothing really, just what's it gonna be like going back to work again" Luka said while looking down at the ground, hoping that Kerry wouldn't see that he was lying.

"That's actually what I came here to talk about" Luka looked up, his heart rate speeding up as it seemed to take a lifetime for Kerry to speak again, "Benton and I think that you will be able to leave the hospital the day after tomorrow, and then you can start your shift on the 17th of April, most likely an 8 hour shift as we don't want you to injure yourself" Luka automatically shook his head 'yes', just as he had done about 3 months ago when Kerry offered him a position without even hearing the salary.

Kerry stayed for about half an hour until she had to back to the ER to start her shift.

**2 days Later**

Luka was lying on his side, facing the door, waiting for Benton to come to discharge him, but so exhausted from so little sleep the previous night, and finding it easier to only have brief naps in the daytime, had drifted off to sleep. Sometime later Benton knocked on the door.

When no one answered Benton, having extremely little patience, opened it up and walked over to the bed, and lightly shook Luka's shoulder to wake him up.

Luka muttered something in Croatian, which Benton took meant something along the lines of 'fuck off' and put his arm over his eyes. Benton laughed slightly at this, Luka behaving more like a teenager than the 24 year old man that he was. Benton lifted Luka's arm away from his eyes, which seemed to do the trick as, moments later Luka opened his eyes slightly before rubbing them with his hand and sitting up-right on the bed.

"Am I being discharged now?" Luka said, his questioned coated with a much stronger accent as he had just woken up.

"Yeah, I have the forms here," Benton said while holding them up in his right hand, as if it was a map to lost treasure, "how are you getting home?" Benton asked while Luka filled in the appropriate parts, before handing them back, "I'll get a taxi" Luka said while getting off the bed and stretching and wincing slightly as the stitches pulled. Benton noticed this and informed Luka, not thinking and forgetting that he knew himself, "you should come back in about a week to have them removed", Luka just nodded and went over to the chairs in the corner of the room and lifted his small bag from it, it only containing a few pairs of clothes as it had been in his locker, in case he got them covered in blood or vomit.

By this stage Kerry Weaver had also came up, to make sure everything was okay, and that Luka had transport to get home.

"Oh, are you going now? Is someone coming to pick you up?" Kerry said from the door, before coming fully into the room.

"No, I'll just get a taxi" Luka said while shifting the bag on his right shoulder, starting to feel slightly uncomfortable.

"No, we can't have that, I can give you a lift home," Kerry said while walking over to Luka and taking his arm, leaving no room for protest, but he was still going to try, "No, it's okay, I don't want to be any bother" he said, already giving up any hope as she lead him to the elevator by the arm, Benton following with a sympathetic smile on his face.

Please R&R


	10. 1214

Chapter 10: "1214"

_Already giving up any hope as she led him to the elevator by the arm, Benton following with a sympathetic smile on his face. _

Luka and Kerry were walking to Kerry's car when it began to pour down with rain, and by the time they made it to Kerry's car they were both soaked through. Kerry got in and put her crutch in the back seats, along with Luka's bag, and Luka got in the passenger side, grateful for the dryness and heat of the car.

"Oh God, that came on all of a sudden" Kerry said while putting the keys in the ignition.

"Yeah" Luka would have said more if it weren't for the fact that he was exhausted, still unable to sleep.

"Well were to?" Kerry turned to Luka and said, with a cheery smile on her face.

**20 minutes Later**

They had been driving for 20 minutes, with Luka giving Kerry the directions, apart from that there had not been any conversation in the car, and the only sound was the continuous swishing of the wind-shield wipers.

"Just take a left here," Kerry drove for about 10 minutes when she stopped outside a hotel, "Thanks" Luka said with his hand on the door.

"Is your apartment getting fixed or something?" Kerry asked, curious as to why Luka was staying in a hotel when he had been working permanently in the ER for a while now.

"No, I live here, I get discount for treating any sick tourists" he said as he got out of the car, the rain drenching him again, "Thanks for the lift" he was about to shut the door when Kerry turned off the ignition and got out also"

"You probably got that bandage soaked, I should really change it for you" she said as she got a medical bag out of the back seat of the car, along with her crutch, and walked with him into the lobby of the hotel, knowing the real reason was because she wanted to see what the hotel was like.

**10 minutes later**

10 minutes later they had made it to room 1214; having to wait for the elevator to make stops at 3 other floors. Luka walked ahead of Kerry and opened the door, allowing her to enter in front of him. She walked in and sat down on the sofa that was in the corner of the room, setting her bag down beside her.

Luka walked into the bathroom and came out while towel drying his hair, and handed Kerry a towel also. She took the towel off him and quickly dried off her hair.

"I'm just gonna go change, I'll only be a minute" Luka said as he set down his bag and walked back into the bathroom.

Luka came out of the bathroom wearing a pair of grey pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt.

"I'll just change that bandage now" Kerry said as she got out a pair of latex gloves and a fresh bandage out of her medical bag. Luka sat down on the edge of the bed and lifted up his shirt so Kerry could apply the new bandage.

"There, now I'll leave so that you can get some rest" Kerry said as she put the old bandage and her latex gloves in the bin in the bathroom.

"Thanks again for the lift" Luka said, and Kerry noticed how he never said _thanks for the lift home_ which made her slightly sad. She picked up her bag and walked to the door, Luka behind her, "You have to get the stitches out in a week, right?" Kerry said as she walked out the door, "Yeah, next Thursday" Luka said before he put his hand to his mouth trying to hide that he yawned,

"Well, I can see your tired so maybe I'll see you next Thursday, Bye", Luka said goodbye and then closed the door before releasing a sigh.

Luka walked into the bathroom and filled a glass with water before putting it on the bedside table and then he sat on his bed, wrapping an afghan around himself, before he reached over to the bedside table and opened the top drawer; he pulled out a small white bottle with a sticker saying _'sleeping pills',_ and poured two into his hand, he then put the bottle back into the top drawer and put the pills into his mouth, swallowed them with the glass of water. He then laid his head down on the pillow, closed his eyes and waited until the pills took effect, knowing they would help get a few hours sleep, hopefully 4 or 5, but like most nights, when the nightmares came he would only get 2 or 3 hours sleep before waking up disoriented for a few moments and then remember how they were taken from him; by this stage he knew would give up any hope of getting any more sleep, he would just lay there reliving the memory of the night he lost everything that meant anything to him.

Eventually the pills took affect and his breathing became steady and rhythmic.

**2 hours later**

Luka was lying in bed, his breath coming out in gasps, tossing and turning in the bed, beads of sweat forming on his brow. He reached across to the other side of the bed, as if he was trying to reach something. Suddenly he shot up in the bed and he looked around frantically, before he lay his head back down on the pillow, his breathing returning to normal. He looked over at the clock and the red numbers reading 1:30. He got out of the tangled afghan and went into the bathroom; he filled the sink with cold water and splashed it on his face before lifting his head to look in the mirror; he saw how his face was thinner, his face slightly paler, but the thing that stood out the most was the deadness and emptiness that was in his eyes. He quickly averted his eyes and emptied the sink, dried his face and left the bathroom. He walked over and picked up his wallet, looking down on the only picture he had left of them.

Please R&R


	11. The Picture

Chapter 11: "The Picture"

_He walked over and picked up his wallet, looking down on the only picture he had left of them._

**2 Weeks Later**

It had been over two weeks since Luka had been discharged from the hospital, and one since he got the stitches removed, when he had convinced Kerry that he was able to work a full shift and she had complied. He woke up this morning and was glad to be going back to work; when he was alone he had time to think, to think of them especially, and he knew that it was doing him no good. Since he had got out of the hospital he realised that he was sleeping and eating much less, made more apparent when he put on his shirt.

Luka was walking up the steps to the El when it started to rain, and luckily the next train had just stopped and he managed to run over and get on before the doors closed. The carriage was fairly empty as it was 5.00 am in the morning and many people were still in bed or just getting up. Today the train ride seemed to take forever and Luka let out a breath, he had not realised he had been holding when it came to his stop.

By now it had stopped raining and Luka made it to the ambulance bay and inside without being drenched in rain.

He walked straight to the lounge, glad that Jerry was on today and not Frank. He walked over to his locker and opened it, quickly putting his coat inside and exchanging it for his labcoat. He poured himself a cup of coffee and went left the lounge to start his shift.

Luka walked over to admit while casting a quick glance at triage, noticing that today it seemed to be spilling over.

"Hey Dr Kovac, it's great to have you back!" Jerry said while giving Luka a hug, unaware to the pain Luka was experiencing as he wound was still a little tender.

"Yeah, it's great to be back, though I can say that I probably came back on one of the busiest days" Luka said while laughing as he picked up a chart and headed for Exam 3.

30 minutes later Luka was finished with the old lady, Mrs Gumble, after prescribing some ointment for her ears as they were blocked up, the fact that Luka had to repeat everything he said to her a minimum of 3 times before she heard him. Luka signed off on the chart and was about to go and see his other patients when a trauma came in, which he gladly went to help with.

Carter, Greene, and Luka, along with the nurses brought the screaming woman into trauma 1. Susan, Kerry and Benton went with the little boy into trauma 2.

"Okay, on my count, 1…2…3," Greene said as they transferred the woman from the gurney.

"Okay, what happened?" Greene said as he shone his penlight into the woman's eyes, finding that they were slightly sluggish.

Doris the EMT quickly told them how the woman and her son were in a MVA, the other driver was drunk and DOA.

"Okay, I want a CAT-Scan, abdominal series, chest x-ray, x-ray of both legs and a Chem. 7" Greene said as he inserted a bag of O-Neg. Luka was checking over the woman's abdomen when the heart monitor started to beep loudly.

"Starting compressions" he said as he went to the woman's chest, and Carter started to bag her.

"I want 10 ccs of empi, Stat!" Greene said as he charged the paddles.

They shocked the woman for 45 minutes, pumped her full of everything they could think of, and the monitor was still bleeping loudly. Luka was still performing compressions when Mark put his hand on his arm,

"Stop compressions, Time of Death, 13:38 pm" Mark ripped off his latex gloves and left the room.

Luka pulled off his own gloves and trauma gown and looked into the other trauma room. Susan stood with the paddles also and shocked the boy twice more before she turned to the clock.

"At least they'll be together" Carter said from behind him, shaking his head sadly.

"Are there any relatives?" Luka asked as they exited the trauma room,

"Yeah, a husband. Do you want me to go and tell him" Carter said as he put his hands in to his labcoat pockets.

"No, I'll do it, thanks" Luka said as he fiddled with the stethoscope around his neck.

Luka walked over to admit and saw the man that Lydia indicated to being the woman's husband. He took a deep breath before going over to Mr Patterson.

"Hello Mr Patterson, could I talk to you over here please" Luka said indicating to the family room.

"Where is my family?" the man asked, not moving from where he stood.

"I will explain if you…" Luka was interrupted when the man raised his voice and asked again where his family was. Luka walked back over to Mr Patterson, deciding that it would be better to tell him know rather than get him angry.

"Mr Patterson, your son and wife came in with very severe injuries; they had been in a crash. We did everything we could, I'm sorry but your son and wife both died" as Luka said this he averted his eyes to the ground.

"I know that you feel terrible, but you can go see them, say goodbye" Luka said blinking back tears.

"How do you know what it feels like to lose everyone you love?" Mr Patterson shouted as he pushed past Luka and stormed out of the ER.

Luka was in the drug lock-up getting some medication for his 65-year old with back pain when he noticed, as if for the first time, the number of medication. He lifted the medication and was about to leave when he suddenly turned around, made sure no one was looking and put some pills in his pocket. He went to the patient, gave them the pills and instruction on when to take them before he walked over to the lounge. He opened the door and was glad to find that it was empty, he walked over to the sink, filled a glass with water and took some of the pills out of his pocket and quickly swallowed them.

_If I can do this without anyone noticing then I should be fine._ He thought optimistically.

Luka exited the lounge and continued his shift, several hours later he went back to the drug lock-up and took some more pills; careful that no one seen him, and went back to work.

It was the end of Luka's shift when he ran into Carter in the lounge; Carter was taking his coat off, and Luka was putting his coat on.

"Hey, I didn't know you were back at work today. So how did the first shift go?" Carter asked on the way out the door.

"Great, it went a lot easier than I expected it to be" Luka thought, especially about how easy it was to get those pills.

"I'll see you tomorrow then" Carter said as he went over to admit.

"Yeah, see you then" Luka said as he exited the hospital, pulling his coat around himself more tightly as the wind grew colder as it was approaching autumn. He walked briskly up the steps of the El and waited for the next train to come.

Luka walked into his hotel room and threw his coat down on the end of the bed, before he sat down and took off his shoes. He pulled off his tie and walked into the bathroom where he turned on the shower and unchanged as the steam filled the bathroom, fogging up the mirror. He stepped into the hot water and let it relax the tense muscles in his back and neck.

15 minutes later Luka was coming out of the bathroom, dressed only in his black boxers and a towel around his neck, the water from his hair dripping onto the floor. He finished drying his hair and was about to get into bed when there was a knock at his door. Without thinking he went to the door and opened and could not have been more surprised to see Mark Greene standing at his door.

"Hey, can I come in?" Mark said in a cheery voice.

"Sure" Luka opened the door wider to let Mark in and wrapped his arms around himself, only noticing now how little he was wearing.

"You left this at the hospital" Mark said as he held out a black leather wallet, and it did not escape his notice that Luka's face paled slightly when he saw it, "You okay?" Mark asked as he put his hand on Luka's arm.

"Yeah, thanks" his accent thicker than usual as he held out a shaky hand and took the wallet, "How did you know it was mine?" he asked as he sat down on the edge of the bed, not trusting his legs to keep him steady.

"I had to open it and I found your driver license inside" as if something Greene said made Luka remember something, he quickly opened the wallet and let out a breath when he realised that the photo was still there.

"I should go now, see you tomorrow" Mark said and Luka got up and opened the door for him, "Thank you very much" Luka said, "Don't mention it, goodnight" Mark said as he exited the hotel room.

Mark only noticed now that he didn't even look through the money, just the photo, the one with the woman and the little girl, which was slightly burned around the edges. Mark wondered who theses people where, probably family, the little girl looked a lot like Luka, maybe it was his sister or a niece, anyway he would ask him the next time he saw him.

Please R&R


	12. Flashback

Chapter 12: "Flashback"

_Mark wondered who theses people where, probably family, the little girl looked a lot like Luka, maybe it was his sister or a niece, anyway he would ask him the next time he saw him._

**One Week Later**

Luka had a routine now; he would go into work, treat at least 2 patients and then go to the drug-lockup, he would take the pills in the lounge or the men's bathroom, and continue with work. Gradually the doses of pills got a little bit higher each day, the trips to the drug-lockup a little more frequent, but no one seemed to notice, the ER was at its busiest this time of year. The pills also came in a more varied selection, and on a few occasions he had even injected himself. Luka could see no wrong in doing this; it wasn't preventing him from working, he only focused on the feel of the drugs taking effect, the calmness that washed over him.

He remembered the day after Greene had returned his wallet; he had been standing at the nurse's station filling out a chart when Mark approached him,

"_Hey Luka, was everything in your wallet?" Greene asked, and Luka had really not checked, his main concern at the time was the photograph and that it was still there, _

"_Yeah, and thanks again for returning it" Luka said, hoping that this would be the end of the conversation; he was obviously wrong._

"_Hey I hope I'm not prying or anything but, who was the photo of?" Luka was almost certain that his face had lost all colour, and he was correct as Mark grabbed him by the arm, steadying him,_

"_Are you Okay?" asked Mark, clearly concerned and confused at what had made him go like this._

"_Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night" Luka said, and really it wasn't a lie, he didn't get much sleep last night, that just wasn't the reason why he went so pale; the reason was the questions he knew would come if he admitted to who the picture was of._

"_Go lay down, I'll come and get you if we get busy" Mark said as he took the chart off Luka._

_That was the day the doses grew, he went into the drug-lockup and lifted a vile and needle slipped them into his pocket and headed for the empty exam room; he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and tied the tourniquet, waited for the vain to show and injected the drug, letting out the breath he did not realise he had been holding._

_He lay down on the bed and set the alarm on his watch for an hour, not wanting anyone to hear the nightmares._

_He remembered how each time he saw Mark he would go in the opposite direction and if he couldn't try to get away as fast as possible._

Luka came into work today, his shift starting at 8.00, and went into the lounge and put his things into his locker. He walked over to the coffee machine and was about to pour himself a cup when Yosh came running into the room.

"Ambulance on its way, ETA 2 mins" and held the door open waiting for Luka to exit.

"Do you know what it is?" Luka asked as he fixed his stethoscope around his neck, before putting on his latex gloves and trauma gown.

"MVA, car vs. truck" Yosh said, knowing that it was probably going to be messy.

The ambulance pulled up and a man in his late 30's was pulled out of the back on the gurney.

"Trauma 2" Luka said as he, Carter, Yosh and Malik pulled the gurney through the ambulance bay doors.

"On my count, 1…2…3" Carter said as they transferred the patient on the gurney.

"This the guy from the car or the truck?" Malik said as he set up the O-Neg.

"The truck. Drove into the car, the other man was DOA" Doris said as he left the trauma room.

"Okay, I want a tox-screen, CBC, Chem. 7, X-ray of the back and left leg, and blood- type and cross match-4 units, and someone call surgery" Carter called as Luka checked breath sounds, and saw purple bruises over the man's torso.

"Diminished breath sounds on the right, set me up for a chest tube" Luka said as he put his stethoscope back around his neck. He lifted away the man's shirt and saw purple started the procedure and saw blood coming out of the lungs. He gently probed at the man's ribs and found that two were broken.

"Ribs 2 and 6 broken on the left side punctured the lung" Luka had just finished his sentence when Romano entered the trauma room.

"What have we got?" Romano said as he snapped on his gloves. Carter told him the bullet,

"Okay, incubate him and then we can bring him up to surgery to repair the damage" Romano said while he stood by the door, waiting impatiently.

"Okay, he's good to go" Luka said as he incubated him and set the portable vent on the gurney, ready to be transferred.

Luka took off his gloves and gown and turned to Carter, "Great way to start a shift" he spoke in a humorous tone.

"Maybe that's the worst of the day over" Carter said, and he had obviously spoke too soon because Kerry Weaver just entered the room.

"There has been a shooting at a school; we need to send a surgeon and a resident; so which one of you is going?" Kerry said looking between the two.

"Sorry, but my shift just ended" Carter said while walking out of the trauma room.

"Luka, you and Benton will be going, the helicopter is waiting" Kerry said as she and Luka entered the elevator.

**On the Roof**

Luka and Benton were both putting on their jackets and being told the safety rules before the door of the roof was opened; they both ran across to the waiting helicopter, their jackets and hair flying all over the place. Benton got into the helicopter first and then Luka, before the door was shut by one of the pilots.

"What made you wanna come?" Benton shouted to Luka over the roar of the helicopter taking off.

"Kerry asked me or Carter, but his shift was over so I kinda had to come" Luka said the helicopter now in the air, not quite as noisy.

Both the men fell into silence, Benton looking out of the left side window, Luka staring out the right side window but not really seeing what was out there, his eyes taking on a far away look. He jumped slightly when Benton nudged at his arm,

"We're here" Benton said and both men lifted up their medical bags and waited for the door to be opened.

When Luka got out of the helicopter he wasn't sure what he was expecting to see, but he knew it was not this. Their were dozens of police cars surrounding the school, all with there guns at the ready, SWAT cars, and of course reporters hoping to get it all on film for the mid-day news. There were several ambulances arriving and departing, but the thing that shook him right down to his soul was the children, innocent and naïve, lying wounded or dead in the playground of the school, along with several policemen and innocent bystanders. Luka wasn't sure how long he stood there for but he broke out of his daze when Benton grabbed him roughly by his forearm,

"Hey, stop standing around" Benton scolded him and freed his arm. Luka lifted up his bag and went to help the injured.

He was just finished helping a young boy who had fell when he was running away and broke his arm when the gunman came out of the school. Luka saw the man point his gun in the direction of a boy, no older than 7, and shoot the boy in the back of the head; the boy fell to the ground, his eyes open and glazed over, his face etched with pain. The gunman just walked back into the building. Luka felt the bile rising in his throat and turned around in time to empty his stomach on the grass where he had been helping the young boy. Unaware to Luka, Benton came up behind him and supported his shoulders while he retched and stopped, his whole body trembling.

"Hey man, you okay?" Benton asked when Luka turned around, and handed him a bottle of water to clean his mouth. Luka took the bottle of water and spat it onto the grass before answering.

"Yeah, sorry…" Luka was interrupted by Benton, "Don't worry, just don't let it happen again" with that said Benton got up and went to help the other injured people.

Luka ran over where he saw a nurse trying to help a young boy who had been shot.

"Where was he hurt?" Luka asked while putting on a new pair of latex gloves.

"GSW to the top of the leg, I think it might have missed the artery" the nurse informed him while she carefully took back the bandage to reveal a circular wound that was oozing blood. The young boy, maybe 9 years old, began screaming and crying, struggling to get free of the nurses grip on his leg.

"Has he had any pain meds?" Luka asked, not wanting to see the boy in pain if it could be prevented.

"No, I just put a pressure dressing on" Luka was about to get a vile of morphine out of his bag when the gunman came out, brandishing the gun again. He started shooting in the direction of Luka, the nurse and the boy, and out of instinct Luka covered the nurses and the boy's body with his own. The sound of the bullet cracking into the ground beside him quickly died out, to be replaced with the sound of an artillery shell, smashing into concrete.

**_Flashback ( this is what Luka is seeing)_**

_Luka was crossing the street to get supplies when he heard the_ _artillery shell hit the apartment building behind him. He turned and ran in the direction of the apartments; he had to push away a large piece of rumble just to get inside. When he got inside he started running up the stairs, passing his injured and dying friends and neighbours, all he could think about was getting to his apartment and getting to his family, the whole way there he was shouting out his wife's name, 'Danijela' . When he made it to the 4th floor where his apartment was, he saw two of his elderly neighbours walking down the hall, covered in blood and dirt. He ran to the door of his apartment and had to push away a big and heavy piece of rumble to get inside. When he eventually got the rumble out of his way, he fell on his knees into the apartment, and could feel the bile rise in his throat, the tears fill his eyes, as before him lay his son Marko's hand, sticking out of his crib. At that moment everything else in the room disappeared, as he reached his hand out towards his son's, whispering his name, when Danijela called out to him. He quickly regained his composer, knowing his wife would need him, which they could deal with the grief once he got them to safety. He ran and saw her lying on the ground, holding Jasna in her lap. Danijela kept asking him where Marko was, he eventually turned to her and told her in a low, trembling voice, while looking her right in the eyes that Marko was dead. He ran and lifted Jasna up and was about to leave when Danijela grabbed her side and moaned in pain, unable to get up. He kneeled on the ground, still holding Jasna, and saw that Danijela had a wound to her side, from a piece of shrapnel, when he looked back at his daughter she had stopped breathing; he started compressions, shouting for someone to help him, and preformed CPR._

**Back in the playground**

Benton came running over when he saw that the gunman had shot where Luka was. When Benton was running over, unnoticed to him that the police had shot down the gunman and where all running over to him. Benton ran over to Luka and was about to ask him was he okay when he noticed that his eyes where unfocused, and he was muttering in Croatian.

"Hey man, you okay?" Benton asked and Luka did not seem to have heard him as he continued muttering in Croatian. Benton noticed that he was saying three names, Danijela, Jasna and Marko.

"Hey man you're gonna have to speak English" Benton said as he put his hand on Luka's shoulder, and Luka jerked backwards away from him, and looked Benton in the eyes, though Benton had the feeling he was not seeing him, and spoke slowly and in English,

"I couldn't save them" Luka said, his breath shallow, as if he was trying to regain control before he stood up and went to get up, when he let out a groan and fell back to the ground while holding his side.

"What is it?" Benton said as he pulled Luka hand back and saw that it was covered in blood, "Take off your jacket" Luka did as Benton instructed and lifted up his shirt, revealing his bloodied side, "The bullet must have skimmed past it" Benton said as he pulled Luka off the ground by his arm, he then got a pressure dressing out of his medical bag and pressed it to the wound, causing Luka to hiss in pain, "Hold that in place, we're getting the helicopter back to County" Benton said as he took Luka's arm and pulled him in the direction of the helicopter, as Luka was getting pale and Benton did not need him passing out.

Please R since it has been my longest chapter.


	13. Questions and Answers

Chapter 13: "Questions and Answers"

"_Hold that in place, we're getting the helicopter back to County" Benton said as he took Luka's arm and pulled him in the direction of the helicopter, as Luka was getting pale and Benton did not need him passing out._

Luka was holding the pressure bandage in place while Benton dragged him to the helicopter, leaving no room for disagreements. Benton pulled the door open and got inside, holding the door open until Luka got in and shut it after him.

"County General" Benton said to the pilot and grabbed hold of the door as it took off.

"The wound doesn't look too bad, might not even need that many stitches" Benton said expecting to get some sort of response from Luka, but he just nodded his head and starred out of the window.

10 minutes later they were at County, the door being opened for them before they both jumped out, shielding their eyes from the dust off the roof being blown by the propellers spinning wildly, before coming to a stop.

Luka and Benton took the elevator down to the ER, and when the doors opened Kerry Weaver had been waiting to get on.

"Why are you back so soon?" Kerry asked before she saw that Luka was holding his side, "Did you get hurt?" Kerry said as they all walked into exam 2.

"It's nothing" Luka said as he sat down on the gurney in the middle of the room, still holding the bandage to his side, the blood nearly soaked right through.

"One of the bullets grazed his side, might only need a few stitches" Benton said as he and Kerry put on a pair of latex gloves. Kerry lifted the bandage off to show blood still oozing from the wound, but much slower than before, "It won't need stitches, just cleaned and a dressing put on," she looked up at Luka, "You were very lucky" she scolded him as if he were a child, before replacing the bandage.

"Kerry can I speak with you outside for a moment" Benton said, reinforcing his statement by glaring at Luka.

"Sure, we'll be back in a minute" Kerry said as she patted Luka on the shoulder and then followed Benton outside.

"What do you need to talk to me about Peter?" Kerry said while crossing her arms over her chest.

"This is sorta hard to explain…when the gunman shot over at him, I went over to see if him and the patient and nurse were okay, but when I went over he was talking in Croatian, he kept saying three names, when I ask him to speak English he told me, 'I couldn't save them', he went to get up and he only noticed then he got hurt" Benton said, while looking between Kerry and exam 2.

"Okay, we'll talk to him about it after, first we need to take care off that wound" Kerry pushed open the door of the trauma room and went over to one of the drawers and got out the equipment she needed, Benton followed her in and stood by the end of the gurney.

"You'll need to lift your shirt up so I can put the bandages on" Kerry said as she set the roll of bandages down on the metal tray. Luka lifted up his shirt and Kerry started to clean out the wound, causing Luka to groan in pain.

"There it's cleaned, just need to put the bandage on now" Kerry said as she started to wrap the bandage around his waist. When she noticed that there were several scars on Luka's back, "Peter could you help me with this" she said, giving him a look that meant she didn't want him to argue to just get the hell over,

"Sure" Benton said, slightly confused, but then realised why when he saw the numerous scars.

10 minutes later Kerry was finished putting the dressing on, and had everything cleared away. Luka got off the table when Kerry interrupted him,

"Oh, I nearly forgot, you'll need a new shirt" Kerry told Benton to go and get him a scrub top, and Benton only obliged thinking that Kerry might question him now.

"Luka, Peter told me that when he went over to see if you were okay, that you were speaking in Croatian, and when asked to speak in English you told him, 'I couldn't save them', who couldn't you save?" during the time that Kerry was saying this Benton had re-entered the room and handed Luka the scrub top.

"It doesn't matter now" Luka said as he pulled on the scrub top, being careful not to let them see the marks on his arms, "I need to get back to work now"

"I don't recommend that you work when you just hurt yourself" Kerry said but was brushed off by Luka, "If I get to sore, or I can't work, I'll tell you and go home", with that Luka left the room and went over to admit, and lifted up a chart.

**30 minutes Later**

Luka was just finishing with a patient in curtain 3 when he noticed that his hands were shaking,

"You okay, Luka?" Abby said as she put her hand on his arm and noticed that his whole body was shaking.

"Yeah, I'm just cold, call surgery down for Mrs Simmons here" Luka said as he signed the chart and left the room briskly.

_Shit! Between that flashback and avoiding Weaver and Benton I forgot all about getting my next dose. _Luka thought as he went into the drug-lockup and slipped a vile into his trouser pocket. He walked to the suture room, glad to find it empty and shut the door behind himself. He walked to the far side of the room and got out a syringe and clean needle, and measured out carefully the dose he needed, which was easier said than done his whole body shaking. He tied the tourniquet tightly around his arm, waited for the vein to show and slowly pinched the needle into his skin, before pushing the needle and feeling the drug going into his veins. He quickly threw the needle into the sharps box and put the vile into the bin. He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. His head shot up when he heard a knock on the door, followed by Benton's voice asking to come in.

Luka didn't have time to answer before Benton opened the door, and stood there,

"Do you need the room?" Luka asked hoping Benton would leave soon because he felt as if his stomach was going to empty itself again.

"No, I needed to ask you something actually" Luka was sure that he was going to ask him about what he said today at the school and was sure he was going to vomit now, "Mrs Simmons will need surgery, but, there isn't a O.R free so you need to administer IV fluids until we can take her in about an hour or so…it's still pretty backed up from this morning" Benton said and Luka just nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Benton then left the room and Luka followed him out and made it to the men's bathroom just in time to empty his stomach, glad that no one else was there.

_Should have taken compasine _Luka thought ironically.

PLEASE R&R


	14. Make Sure

Chapter 14: "Make sure"

_Benton then left the room and Luka followed him out and made it to the men's bathroom just in time to empty his stomach, glad that no one else was there._

_Should have taken composine Luka thought ironically._

Luka walked out of the stall and over to the sink where he splashed cool water onto his face, he dried his face with paper towels and stood for a moment to calm down. He knew that Kerry was going to come looking for him now, Benton was sure to tell her that he thought he 'didn't look well', and then she would ask about who he couldn't save, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to tell her…or anyone. He took a deep breath and left the bathroom.

He walked over to admit where Frank was standing eating his 3rd doughnut.

"Hey Dr Kovac," Frank said, not continuing until he had Luka's attention, "Your patient, a Mr. Spencer, his labs are back" Frank said as he handed Luka the slip of paper.

"Shit" Luka said as he sighed, "Ever had to tell someone that they have cancer?" he said before walking in the direction of exam 6. He opened the door and he knew that this was going to be even worse than expected; Mr. Spencer's wife who was in her late 30's and three children where there, talking and laughing, and here he was going to be the one to destroy that all.

"Mr. Spencer, can I talk to you in private?" Luka said, and the man nodded before telling his wife and children to come back in a couple of minutes.

"Mr. Spencer, we ran some tests and they showed some abnormal cells. We checked this and discovered that you have Leukemia. I'm very sorry" Luka was shocked to see that the man seemed to be taking this all very well, and was even more shocked when the man spoke,

"I know, a few months ago I came to the hospital, thought it was a bug or something, they told me I had at least a year left," the man let out a humorless laugh, "the only reason I came today was because my boss said that if I didn't he would fire me…and I intend on providing for my family for as long as possible, just like normal"

"With treatment you could prolong that time," Luka didn't know what to say to this man, he was obviously determined to try and live a normal life, "Does your family know?" Luka asked, and the man just shook his head before answering,

"I'll tell them when I need to, and right now I don't need to…but thank you doctor, if you could just tell them I have the flu or something, I don't want to worry them" Luka nodded before leaving the room and letting the family go back inside. Luka walked over to admit where he signed off on his chart and lifted up a new one.

**45 minutes Later**

"I'm calling it, we've been shocking her for 30 minutes, even if we did get the heart pumping again the brain would be dead, and what goods the heart without the brain?" they had been working on a 23-year old Valium OD victim.

"Time off Death, 16:47" Luka said as he stopped compressions and the boyfriend (Robby) came in through the trauma room doors,

"What the fuck do you think your doing! Save her!" Robby said as he walked up to Luka,

"We've done everything we could, I'm sorry" Luka said as he pulled off his gloves and trauma gown,

"No, I don't believe you!" Robby shouted and was about to punch Luka in the face, when Luka quickly moved out of the way and Robby punched his fist into the wall, and screamed as he bust his knuckles open.

"If he doesn't calm down, someone call security" Luka said to Malik as he walked over to Robby trying to calm him down,

"You need to get stitches so calm down and come with me" Luka said and didn't move fast enough this time as Robby punched Luka and he fell to the ground,

"Security!" Malik shouted up the hallway and turned around to see Luka get up and Robby go to hit him again, but Luka blocked it with his arm before being pushed against the wall and be punched in the stomach before two security guards pulled Robby off him and out of the trauma room. Malik saw that Luka was holding his side as he walked,

"Hey man you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine" Luka said as he walked out of the trauma room.

Luka was sitting at admit with his head leaned in his hands, because of a pounding headache when he heard someone calling his name,

"Luka…Luka?" Kerry said before Luka turned to face her, "What happened?" she asked when she saw the purple bruise on his cheek, she walked over and reached out her hand to touch it and Luka pulled back and let out a groan,

"Nothing, a patient died and the boyfriend got angry," Luka said while rubbing his temple,

"What time does your shift end at?" Kerry asked while looking at her watch,

"Not for a few hours" Luka said, the frown on his face deepening,

"Not anymore, go home and take some paracetomol, and get some sleep" Kerry told him, not leaving until he got to his feet.

He walked into the lounge where he met Carter, probably waiting for Abby.

"Hey, what happened to you?" Carter asked while pointing to the spot where the bruise was on his own cheek.

"Just this or everything?" Luka said while sitting down on the couch and putting his head in his hands.

"There's more?" Carter said while he walked over and sat on the couch beside Luka.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow" Luka said as he took off his coat, forgetting that Cater could see his forearms, and put it into his locker.

Carter could not believe what he just saw, _where those trackmark's on Lukas arms?_

"Yeah, see ya" Carter said, knowing that he was going out have to find out for sure before he told anyone.

PLEASE R&R

I hope you like the cliff-hanger : )


	15. Confrontations

Chapter 15: "Confrontations"

_Carter could not believe what he just saw, where those trackmark's on Lukas arms?_

"_Yeah, see ya" Carter said, knowing that he was going out have to find out for sure before he told anyone._

Luka pulled on his coat and left the lounge, left through the ambulance bay doors. Outside it was starting to rain heavily so Luka pulled up the collar of his coat, and wrapped it tighter around himself; which was not that hard to do as the coat was too big on him from loosing weight. He decided that; despite the rain and cold, that he was going to walk home, try to save some time before he had to go to the hotel, alone, except for the vivid memories that tormented and taunted him for not being able to save the people that meant everything to him.

By the time he had got home he was drenched and shivering; he had walked around for 2 hours letting his mind go numb. When he made it back to his hotel room he took off his soaked jacket and threw it over the couch in the corner of the room before sitting down on his bed and taking off his shoes. He walked into the bathroom and finished getting undressed where he noticed that the bandage around his waist had several red dots on it. He got into the shower and washed quickly before stepping out and drying just as quick, before putting on a pair of pajama bottoms and walking back into the bedroom, his hair still dripping slightly. He walked over to his medical bag and got out the things he needed and set them on his bed and then unwrapped the bandage from his waist, causing him too groan slightly as he saw the extent of his injuries; It was defiantly going to leave a scar, or he thought bitterly, another scar. He cleaned the wound, which caused him to hiss in pain, and then started to wrap a fresh bandage around his waist; something he had experience in doing he thought as he caught sight of the many scars that littered his back in the mirror on the opposite wall.

He cleaned away the rubbish and pulled down the covers and noticed that his hands were starting to shake. He cursed under his breath, remembering that he had forgotten to take his next dose since Kerry had sent him home early. He walked into the bathroom and opened the cabinet, reveling several pill bottles, and vials and syringes and needles; he had brought home a few vials and syringes over the past few weeks hoping that no one would notice since it had been busy. He took out a vile and syringe and needle, and brought them into the bedroom. He tied a tourniquet around his arm and waited for the vein to show; he was just halfway through administering the dose when there was a knock at his door. He shot his head up and quickly pushed the rest of it out of the syringe before putting it in the bin. He heard the door knock again and went to answer it quickly hoping that they had the wrong room. When he answered the door he saw that it was Carter and Abby, and was puzzled as to why they where here; but since he usually took a stronger dose at night to keep the nightmares away; at least for an hour or two; to think.

"Hey, do you wanna come in?" he said while wrapping his arms around his chest, wondering why people always came to his hotel when he was barely dressed.

"Sure" Carter said while walking into the room holding Abby's hand.

"What happened to your side?" Abby asked, noticing the bandage around his waist.

"It happened at that school shooting this morning, but it's fine" he said noticing the guilty look on Carter's face. He walked over to the couch and lifted up his coat and threw it on the bed.

"You can sit down" he said while laughing slightly as Carter and Abby walked over and sat down. Abby kept wondering how he got the scars on his back, as he sat down on the bed, and pulled the afghan around his shoulders.

Carter noticed that Luka's eyes seemed to be dropping and he kept yawning, seemingly fighting to stay awake.

"Weaver sent us over to tell you that you don't have to work tomorrow, she can get someone to cover for you. She said she phoned but no one answered and she sent us to check to see if you were okay" Carter said while studying the way Luka's shoulders seemed to slump at this statement.

Luka his head followed by a yawn.

"Well, it's late and I have a shift early tomorrow so, I'll see you later" Carter said as he and Abby got up.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow then" Luka said as he opened the door. Once Carter and Abby had left Luka walked over to the bed and crawled under the covers; as soon as he put his head on the pillow he was asleep.

**2 ½ Hours Later**

It was 4:37am and Luka was tossing and turning in the bed, the sheets tangled around him and a sweat forming on his brow. He started to mutter in Croatian; and shot upright in bed breathing heavily. It took a moment for him to gather himself before he slid out of the covers, and shivered as the coolness of the room hit his chest; he wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. He walked over to his chest of drawers and pulled out a fresh set of clothes. He walked into the bathroom and got into the shower, letting the hot water relax the muscles in his back before getting out and wrapping a towel around his waist. He walked over to the mirror and wiped away the steam. He noticed that the bruise on his cheek was not as purple anymore. He brushed his teeth and mouth-washed before changing his bandage and getting dressed into a pair of black jeans and a long sleeved grey jumper, before he pulled on his scrub top.

He walked back into the bedroom and lifted up his coat and slipped it onto his shoulders.

**3 Hours Later**

Luka walked inside the ER just before it started to rain. He had been walking around for nearly 2 hours and was in desperate need of a coffee. He walked straight to the lounge were he hung up his coat and put his stethoscope around his neck and closed his locker. He walked over and poured himself a cup of coffee and drank some of it before leaving the lounge. He walked over to admit and lifted up a chart. He scanned over it as he walked to curtain 3 and was nearly there when Kerry stopped him.

"Luka, how's the side and cheek?" Kerry said as she touched the bruise.

"Both are fine, thanks" Luka said feeling uncomfortable, Kerry was treating him like she was his mother. Luka quickly walked to curtain 2 hoping that Kerry wouldn't follow him.

"So, Mr. Robinson, how did you do this?" Luka said as he sat down on the metal stool and cheeked the gash on Mr. Robinson's hand.

15 minutes later Luka had finished stitching Mr. Robinson's hand and was signing off on his chart when a gurney came in through the ambulance bay doors. Mark Greene ran over and called Luka to come and assist him. They had brought the gurney into trauma 2 and were getting ready to transfer the patient onto the other gurney when Luka saw the patient for the first time; she was a little girl of about 4-years old, she had dark hair and dark frightened eyes. Luka felt himself getting dizzy and had to grab onto the counter in the trauma room to stop himself from falling; she looked so much like her, like Jasna, he felt the bile rising in his throat at his next thought; _I wonder did she have that terrified look in her eyes._

"Hey, Luka are you okay?" Greene said and Luka knew he was going to hate what he was about to do; he just walked out of the trauma room and literally ran into the men's bathroom before emptying his stomach of the coffee he had just drank that morning, followed by dry heaves. He flushed the toilet and sat there for about ten minutes to calm down before he exited the stall where he rinsed his mouth in the sink. He quickly left and was about to get the elevator when he saw out of the corner of his eye he saw Greene and Carter approaching him. He looked up and saw the elevator still had 3 floors until it reached the ER so he quickly turned and started to walk up the stairs.

10 minutes later he had made it to the roof where it was raining and noticed that his whole body was trembling. He walked over to the far side of the roof and sat down with his back leaning against the wall; he put his head in his hands and didn't bother to look up when he heard the door opening. He heard footsteps approaching him and someone sit down on either side of him,

"You okay?" Greene asked while placing his hand on Luka's shoulder and noticed that he was trembling, "Your going to get sick if you don't come back inside" Greene said as if he was talking to a child that wouldn't come inside.

Luka lifted his head up and looked at Mark, and Mark had the feeling that he wasn't really seeing him,

"She looked just like her" Luka said his accent thicker and laced with pain.

"Like who?" Greene asked hoping that Luka would tell him and not just run away like he did when he asked him about the photograph. And suddenly Greene thought he knew who Luka was talking about, "The little girl in the photo?" Luka nodded and wrapped his arms tighter around himself; he didn't know why he was telling them this but he knew in some way that it might help, "Who is she?" Greene said, noticing the way that Luka was shivering more and didn't have a lab coat he took of his jacket and put it over Luka's shoulder's,

"Jasna" Luka said and Carter noticed how a tear slipped down his cheek, "That's the only photo I have left of them"

"Is the photo of your sister's" Greene asked wondering what happened to them.

"No…it's a photo of Danijela and Jasna…my wife and daughter…Marko, my son, I have nothing of his" Luka said and Carter and Greene were both shocked, they thought that Luka was too young to have a family,

"Are they still in Croatia?" Carter asked.

"No…they all died" Luka put his head back in his hands and Carter and Greene stared at each other in shock.

Please R&R


	16. Two Choices

Chapter 16: "Two Choices"

"_No…they all died" Luka put his head back in his hands and Carter and Greene stared at each other in shock._

Carter and Greene didn't know what to say; they only realized now how little they actually knew about Luka Kovac. They had been sitting in the rain in silence for about 2 minutes when Luka got up, letting the coat fall off his shoulders,

"Where are you going?" Greene asked as he got up of the ground and picked up his coat; he had to jog slightly to catch up with Luka before he grabbed his arm to stop him,

"Back to work" Luka said as he turned around to face him, Mark let go of his arm and Luka walked back inside the hospital. Carter had walked over to Mark and was standing beside him,

"Mark, I need to talk to you" Greene looked at Carter and saw the seriousness on his face,

"Sure, let's get dried first" Mark said as they walked back inside the hospital letting the door close with a dull thud. Once they were inside Carter turned to Mark, and couldn't wait any longer knowing what the consequences would be,

"I think Luka is using" Carter said and Greene turned to face him with an even more shocked expression on his face than he had only a few minutes ago,

"Have you got any proof?"

"I saw what I think are track-marks on his arm" Carter told him and Greene took a deep breath,

"We'll have to talk to Kerry, but I think that we would need something more than that, they could be from anytime and anything" Greene and Carter then decided to meet Kerry in about 30 minutes were they would talk everything over and decide what was going to be done.

**30 minutes Later**

Luka was in exam 3 with Mrs. Simmons' treating her for bruises to her face and a sprained wrist. Her husband had been put in restraints in the trauma room and Luka was trying to get Carl DeRaad from Psychology to talk to him, get him help because Luka was almost certain that the husband was beating her; he had looked at her chart and had discovered injuries related to abuse but she once again said that she fell.

Luka was sitting in the empty exam room next door waiting for Carl to come when the door opened.

"Why are you holding Mr. Simmons? There is nothing wrong with him; it is his wife you are treating right?" Carl said as he walked over to Luka and folded his arms over his chest, waiting for an answer,

"I believe that he has something wrong with him, that he can't control his anger, that he is a danger to himself and other's" Carl started to shake his head, "Just go talk to him, and if I'm wrong then we can let him go" Luka said and he then followed Carl out of the exam room and into trauma 2.

The two men entered the room; Mr. Rodney Simmons was restrained on the gurney with his wife by his side, her arm in a sling, and there were 2 security guards,

"Look, the foreign doc, I think they should put you in these1" Rodney said while indicating to the restraints, Luka walked closer to the end of the gurney while Carl stayed by the door,

"Why, I'm the not the one hitting your wife" Luka said while walking further along the gurney,

"You think I hit her" Rodney said with a shocked tone in his voice. Carl was fed up with this and told the guards to remove the restraints,

"Your wife came to the hospital with fractured ribs here," Luka indicated to the area on his own ribs, "That didn't happen from falling from a ladder, or down the stairs," Luka was face to face with Rodney now, "You would have to have pushed her down and stomped on her chest…what a man" Luka said with his voice low. Mr. Simmons was fuming now, "Screw you!" he shouted before he pulled his fist back and punched Luka in the face, the impact sending him sprawling to the trauma room floor,

"See I told you he was a danger to others" Luka said as he got up off the ground and the security guards grabbed Mr. Simmons and put him back in the restraints. Unnoticed to Luka Kerry Weaver had entered the room,

"Is everything okay in here?" he asked Carl,

"Yes, one of your residents just wanted a consult," He looked at Luka who was wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his hand and looking at the floor before looking up at Carl and Kerry,

"I should go" Luka said while walking past Carl and Kerry,

"Actually, I need to talk to you" Kerry said and Luka followed him to the hall outside,

"Yeah?" Luka said wondering what this was all about,

"Not here, let's go in here" Kerry said as she walked over to exam 4, her hand on Luka's lower back. Luka opened the door and saw Mark Greene, Peter Benton, John Carter and Donald Anspaugh standing inside the room, he turned to walk out but Kerry had shut the door and was standing in front of it,

"What is this?" Luka said as he crossed his arms over his chest,

"We're all concerned about you" Anspaugh said and Luka started to shake his head slightly, "Well, I'm fine thanks" He said as he turned to open the door before Benton shut it,

"We've seen some _changes_ in you lately," Mark said and continued at the confused look Luka gave him, "One moment you are depressed and the next your elated"

"Show us your arms" Kerry said with a firm tone but not shouting,

"What? Why do you need to see my arms?" Luka said, knowing exactly why,

"Luka, we have noticed some changes in you lately…becoming more distant and today you evoked a patient until they punch you" Kerry said and her eyes unconsciously drifted to the cut on his lip,

"So I can't have a bad day?" Luka said knowing he was fighting a losing battle, but not giving up,

"You need help" Kerry said as she placed her hand on Luka's arm, "We're your friends, we'll help you in any way that we can, there is a rehab clinic in Atlanta that is for doctors", Luka shook his head and took of his stethoscope and threw it on the bed before he opened the door,

"And if I don't go what, I'm fired?",

"It doesn't have to come to that" John Carter spoke for the first time, Luka just shook is head and was about to leave when Benton spoke,

"So what you're just gonna throw your life away?" Luka just walked out the door.

What will happen, will Benton go after him, Tune in next time to find out : )


	17. Helping

Chapter 17: "Helping"

"_It doesn't have to come to that" John Carter spoke for the first time, Luka just shook is head and was about to leave when Benton spoke,_

"_So what you're just gonna throw your life away?" Luka just walked out the door._

Luka slammed the door of the exam room behind him and headed towards the lounge; he was completely unaware that Benton, Greene and Carter were following him, trying to talk some sense into him. Luka walked over to his locker and swiftly put in the combination just as the other three men entered,

"We are not going to let you throw your life away" Benton said as he placed his hands on his hips, breathing heavily because he was trying to stay calm,

"Your not, I am" Luka said as he pulled his jacket out of his locker and shut it, he walked out of the lounge with the three men following close behind, trying to get him to stay,

"What would your wife and children think?" Carter said, knowing that what he was saying was treading on very thin ice; but seemingly doing the trick as Luka stopped dead in his tracks just outside the ambulance bay, "You can't keep doing this" Greene said knowing that this was the last chance they had of helping Luka,

"You don't know them; you don't know what they would think" Luka said, his voice thick with emotion,

"I know that if you loved them that you would get in that van and get help" Benton said, not knowing the whole story about Luka's family, just what Carter and Mark had told him.

Luka seemed to be thinking of whether or not he should go, opening his mouth slightly as if to reply before he finally walked over to where Carter, Greene and Benton were standing. Greene let out a sigh of relief and got out the keys to his van, "We better get going, the plane leaves in 2 hours"

_**2 Hours Later**_

Greene was in the driver's seat, his window opened slightly to keep him awake; Carter was sitting beside him reading an old medical journal that he had found on the front seat. Benton was in the back looking out the left side window and occasionally looking over at Luka out of the corner of his eye; Luka was sitting on the right hand side, staring blankly out of the window, his jacket was pulled tightly around himself but still shivering slightly; he was exhausted from today's events, _hell he was exhausted since they died, _the only thing keeping him conscious was the scrapping of the wipers off the windscreen.

"I can't believe that the flight was cancelled, now we have to drive all the way there…and in weather like this" Carter said, trying in vain to break the deafening silence that had enveloped the car since they had started their 'journey' back at county, noticing that no-one seemed to try and start a conversation he went back to reading his journal.

**30 minutes Later**

"I'm gonna stop and get gas here if anybody wants anything?" Greene said as he pulled into '_Pete's Petrol Pump'_,

"Could you get me something to drink?" Carter said as he pulled out a few dollars and handed them to Greene,

"Anyone else?" Greene said as he looked into the back of the van, and both Luka and Benton shook their heads.

5 minutes later Greene came back with a bottle of coke and water and handed them both to Carter, "I didn't know what to get" Greene said with a slight chuckle as he closed his door against the fierce wind and the ice-cold rain.

They had been driving for a while now when Benton looked over to check on Luka again. He noticed that he was holding his head up with his hand which was leaning on his knee, which made him slightly bent over. He had taken his coat off and now had it draped over his shoulders, but was still shivering. The van drove over something on the road and that seemed to be the final straw for Luka, his face lost all colour and he placed his hand to his mouth, and managed to get out a muffled 'Stop' before Greene pulled the van over to the side of the road. As soon as the van stopped Luka opened the door, his jacket falling from his shoulders, and emptied his stomach onto the side of the road. When he got back into the van, even though he had only been outside for a few moments, he was completely drenched. He leaned his head on the back of the seat and let out a shaky breath,

"Hey are you Okay?" Benton asked, noticing how Luka's eyes were slightly glazed, as if all his energy was being used for staying awake. He nodded his head slowly, not wanting to provoke the headache that was now pounding his head, before he finally let his eyes drift shut.

"Maybe we should stop off at a motel somewhere for the night, let all of us all get some rest" Greene said as he pulled the van from the side of the road and started driving down the road, his concern for Luka having went up.

I hope that you liked that chapter, sorry I haven't been updating lately cause I have been REALLY busy, so I am sorry if this chapter is crap.

Please R&R,


	18. Motel

Chapter 18: "Motel"

"_Maybe we should stop off at a motel somewhere for the night, let all of us all get some rest" Greene said as he pulled the van from the side of the road and started driving down the road, his concern for Luka having went up._

Greene kept checking in his rear view mirror to see if Luka was doing Okay. Ever since they had stopped at the side of the road 20 minutes ago they had to stop four times so that Luka could be sick; the exhaustion now taking effect on his body. He had taken off his jacket and threw it into the boot of the van; it had fallen out of the car the second time in his haste to get out and was now drenched through. Greene had given him a large blanket that he kept in his van, and Luka had it pulled tightly around his shivering frame, which was turned inwards slightly his head resting on the back of the seat; he had fallen asleep several times only to be woken up by the nauseous feeling in his stomach, but it seemed to be at bay for now.

"I think it's at the next left up here" Greene said as he increased the power of the window wipers to get a clear view of the sign that read '_Motel'_ in black letters with an arrow pointed left, illuminated with a light that flickered every few seconds.

"Great, I really need to stretch my legs" Carter said accompanied by a yawn which was stifled by the hand over his mouth. Benton looked over at Luka and noticed that he seemed to be stirring, "Hey, we're at the motel now" Benton said, his voice quiet. Luka nodded slowly and rubbed his eyes with his fingers trying to get the sleep out of them.

Greene pulled into a parking space that was relatively close to the entrance of the motel. It was large, its worn-bricked arms stretching out far, surrounded by two willow trees, the rain sliding off the sloping branches like a waterfall. There were lights outside each door, the numbers lit up showing the rusted colour. Benton and Greene got out of the van,

"We'll go see what rooms they have left, then come back and get our stuff" Benton said as if he was instructing to hyper-active teenage boys to not mis-behave before shutting the door and running over to the entrance along with Mark.

The silence in the van was only disrupted by the howling of the wind, and the occasional piece of litter rolling across the graveled parking lot. Carter was feeling tense in the silence which was oppressive to him; growing up in the Carter Mansion meant that it was a rarity it was quiet, the parties that were held or just the sound of the maids entering and leaving the rooms. He decided to break the silence, "So, how are you?" He asked, hoping his voice didn't sound like he was asking because he felt he had to, but the genuine concern he felt for Luka, knowing that this must be tough for him,

"Okay…I've been better" Luka said his voice shaking with the chills that rattled through him. Carter could not stop the floodgate that opened the memories of Chase and his addiction, hoping that he could help Luka and he wouldn't end up like Chase did, overdosing and now spending the rest of his life in a vegetated state. The silence that had surrounded the two young men evaporated when a dry cough escaped from Luka's throat, followed by several sniffles. Carter knew that Luka had probably caught the cold from staying in wet clothes for so long. Carter was going to offer him a drink from his bottle of water when he heard a rapping on the window. Both the men's heads shot round to the passenger side window, and seen Benton and Mark standing outside with their coats over their heads trying to keep at least that little part of them dry. Benton opened the back door and got inside, moving over so that Mark could get in also.

"Fortunately we got a room, but only one" Mark said as he leaned over into the boot of the van and pulled out a bag, followed by two others.

All four men got out of the van, Mark, Benton and Carter all holding their bags with some clothes inside; Luka not having a change of clothes as he had decided that he wasn't going, and when he did they thought better than to wait incase he changed his mind. By the time they made it over to the motel room they were all soaked, Luka having forgotten his jacket, to busy trying to keep the nausea at bay until they made it inside. As soon as they made it inside Luka went to the bathroom and shut the door behind himself; he ran over to the toilet and started vomiting, but since he had had nothing to eat all day it was mostly just dry heaves. When he felt safe enough he flushed the toilet and moved back so that his head was leaned against the cool tiles. His body was trembling slightly but he managed to get to his feet and walk over to the sink where he rinsed his mouth. For the first time that day he looked in the mirror, and was disgusted; the dark of his hair a sharp contrast with his deathly pale face, and his sharp cheekbones and gaunt face. But the feature his could not look at was his eyes, knowing that he would only see pain, and how much they have changed, once bright and full of life, now dull and desolate. He quickly turned off the faucet and opened the door. When he entered the room he looked at it for the first time. There where two beds, both covered with dark blue sheets with four white pillows on each, there was a small table in-between the two beds with a small lamp with a plain white shade which was turned on. Carter and Greene where sitting on the bed farthest away from the bathroom and had their bags at their feet, Benton was sitting on the one beside the bathroom, when Luka walked into the room all three turned towards him, and he felt very self conscious and wrapped his arms around himself before sitting at the edge of the bed which Benton occupied.

"So, what do we do now?" Carter asked as he picked at his fingernails.

"We should probably change into dry clothes, and get some rest" Greene said as he picked his bag up off the floor and unzipped it. Benton also lifted his bag up and pulled out a pair if clean blue scrubs and handed then to Luka,

"Here, you can put your clothes on the radiator to dry off" Benton said and Luka took them off him and nodded his head, "Thanks".

The men took it in turns to change in the bathroom. Carter had changed into a pair of grey sweat pants and a navy long sleeved jumper, Mark had put on a pair of scrub bottoms and a white jumper with the words _'I LOVE N.Y.C' _on the front in big red letters. Benton just emerged from the bathroom and had changed into a pair of navy sweat pants and a white t-shirt. Luka had already taken off his shoes and walked into the bathroom closing the door silently behind himself. Luka set the clothes down on the edge of the bath and walked over to the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror that hung above it. His hair was still wet which made it appear darker, and contrasted with the pale pallor of his skin; his dark eyelashes clashed with the paleness of his skin also giving him the effect of a corpse that should be in the morgue and not a doctor trying to stop patients from going there. His sharp cheekbones jutted out and made his face look gaunt. Luka tilted his head and looked into the reflection of his eyes and immediately averted his gaze at the dead look he saw staring back at him.

Ten minutes later Luka came out of the bathroom and Greene could not help but think how tired and defeated he looked; the scrubs that Benton had given him were obviously too big as he seemed to drown in the top, the bottom's tied tight but not enough as they lay on his hips exposing the sharp lines of his hip bones, a sign that he had not been well for quite some time now. Luka put his wet clothes on the radiator and walked over to his side of the bed and lay down before turning over so that he was facing away from the other occupants in the room and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders.

"Well goodnight" Carter said with a slight chuckle before also succumbing to his exhaustion before Greene and Benton also lay down and turned off the light and the room was plunged into darkness.

Sorry for taking so long to update but I had exams and what-not, but I am going to try and start writing again so reviews would be greatly appreciated !


	19. Talking

Disclaimer: Applies as usual…darn 

Chapter 19 "Talking"

_"Well goodnight" Carter said with a slight chuckle before also succumbing to his exhaustion before Greene and Benton also lay down and turned off the light and the room was plunged into darkness._

All the occupants in the room had been sleeping peacefully for about an hour or two when suddenly Luka started to toss and turn on the bed, pushing the blanket down slightly and muttering in Croatian. All of a sudden Benton was woken up by the fuss that Luka was making and he turned over and saw how several beads of sweat had formed on Luka's brow; and he was about to wake the young doctor up when Luka shot upright in the bed with a gasp and started breathing heavily, his eyes unfocused and staring at the wall in front of himself. Peter knew that Luka must have had a horrible nightmare and must be very confused and scared so he pulled him into a hug and waited for his breathing to return to normal and he had calmed down, and could not help feeling even more concerned when he felt how Luka's bone's prominently through the thin scrub top.

With all the noise in the room both Carter and Greene were woken and Greene turned on his bedside light and saw that Peter was sitting up in bed and Luka was sitting beside him, his knees drawn to his chest and his arms pulled tightly around him. He also noticed how his breaths seemed to be shallow as if he was trying to keep control before he let out a sigh.

_Luka shot up in bed and could not stop the shaking that was taking over his entire body. He felt himself being pulled into an embrace and stayed there for a few moments before pulling away, and wrapping his arms tightly around his legs just as the light was turned on. He knew now that they would want to know if he was okay, and if they could do anything to help, and they had helped so much already even if he did not want them to at first._

"Hey man, are you okay?" Carter asked cautiously knowing that this must all be hell for Luka.  
"Yeah…it's just…" Luka couldn't get the words past the lump in his throat no matter how hard he tried, his voice coming out in a horse whisper, and seeing this Greene decided that he would try and help, "Nightmares?" and with a small shake of his head Luka spoke even quieter than before, his voice choking with emotion and his accent thick, "No…memories" before his ran a shaky hand through his hair.  
"Is this the first time this has happened?" Greene asked with hushed tone "No, I've had them for…since they died really" Luka said and all three men could not suppress the pang of pity they felt towards Luka; Benton because he knew his world would fall apart if he lost Reece, Greene because Luka was so young and had experienced so much pain that he could not even compare too, and Carter because all his life he had been sheltered and never knowing what real loss was, once thinking it was if you lost your favourite cuff-link. "Is that how you got those scars on your back?" Carter asked remembering the night he and Abby went to Luka's hotel room. Peter sent Carter a fiery glare.  
"Yeah, when I went to the apartment…there was lots of rubble, I must have hurt my back trying to get to them" Luka said and then shut his eyes tightly as the memories invaded his conscious mind, a tremble spread through his thin form. Noticing this Benton laid a hand on Luka's back and could feel the tremble only ease slightly,  
"You should try and get some rest" Benton said while patting Luka's back gently hoping that it would make him feel better,  
"I've tried but I never do" Luka said feeling dejected but unable to stifle a yawn, exhausted because of the memories that he had to relive every night.  
"Maybe you should try, talking about it might have helped" Greene said hopefully and could not stop the small smile that came to his face when Luka nodded slightly and lay his head back down on the pillow, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders.  
"You have a big day ahead of you" Greene said as he turned of the light and they all returned to sleep.

_Next Chapter is my last chapter BUT I am going to write a sequel to look out for it kiddies!_


	20. Atlanta

Disclaimer: 20 chapters later and I still don't own ER…crap!

Chapter 20 " Atlanta"

_"You have a big day ahead of you" Greene said as he turned of the light and they all returned to sleep._

During the night Luka had woken up twice more from the nightmares but now was resting peacefully. Mark Greene awoke before anyone else in the room, it was still dark inside the room as the curtains had been pulled shut but a haze of light had crept over the top, Mark got up and went into the bathroom where he changed into a fresh pair of clothes. When he came back out Carter was sitting up in bed rubbing his eyes and yawning before he noticed Mark's presence.  
"Hey, did you get a good night sleep?" Mark asked as he sat down on the bed again to tie his shoes.  
"Yeah, it was okay" and as an afterthought he added "A lot better than Luka I suppose" and as he was saying this he looked in the direction of Luka and saw how he turned over in bed before becoming still again.  
"Yeah, we should let him sleep a bit longer, wake Peter up and when he is finished using the bathroom then Luka can" Mark said as he put the clothes he had on yesterday back into his bag. Carter grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom and re-entered the room ten minutes later while pulling on his watch,  
"It's 6.00am now, what time do we have to be in Atlanta?" Carter asked as he sat back down on the bed.  
"We have to be there by 1.00pm, and it's only a few hours from here so we should be okay for time" as Mark was saying this Benton had woken up and was now sitting up in bed with his feet over the side,  
"Good morning" he said as he rubbed the side of his face and noticed the stubble that was rough under his palm, "I'll go get ready" and he walked into the bathroom.

Benton had been in the bathroom about five minutes when Luka turned over in bed and stretched before he opened his eyes, and as soon as he did he clamped then shut straight again as the dim light caused a thunderous booming in his head. He opened his eyes slowly and sat up at a much slower pace and shivered at the temperature of the room and wrapped his arms around himself at an attempt to keep warm.  
"Hey man you okay?" Carter asked when he seen that Luka was quite pale,  
"Yeah, just tired" Luka said his speech coated with his accent. Just then Benton came out from the bathroom and sat down on the end of the bed that Luka was sitting on,  
"So, did you get back to sleep okay?" Benton asked when Luka lifted his head, and noticed how Luka seemed to stare through him for a moments before answering and how his voice cracked slightly when he spoke, "Yeah, it was worse the first time…I should get dressed" he said quickly and grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom and shut the door tightly behind himself.

Once he got inside he let out the breath he did not realize he had been holding. He quickly changed into his pair of black jeans that had dried overnight, and a grey t-shirt that Benton gave him, as his shirt was still too wet, that was too long and wide and made his weight loss more apparent. He walked back into the main room and quickly put on his shoes while sitting on the edge of the bed and got a nauseas feeling in the pit of his stomach when Mark stood up and said, "Okay, are we ready?"

Luka and Carter both walked over to the car to wait until Benton and Greene paid for the room. Luka was leaning back on the car with his arms wrapped around himself shivering, having no coat as it was still in the back of Greene's van, and trying to get rid of the feeling of terror that he had. Carter stood beside him with his coat buttoned up and his collar turned up to protect his neck from the cold wind that was blasting in there direction. He noticed how Luka seemed to be bent forward slightly and was taking slow breaths as if he was trying to calm himself down,

"Hey man, are you okay?" Carter asked and Luka just nodded his head slightly before replying, "Yeah, just feel a bit sick" before straightening up slightly, followed by a rasping cough and even more shivering. About two minutes later both Benton and Greene returned to the car, and Luka was sure no one was more grateful to be getting into the van when Mark turned the ignition and the heater came on. Luka reached into the back of the van and pulled out his coat and pulled it on before resting his head on the back of the chair and closing his eyes; he was exhausted but could not get to sleep because of the ever persistent tremble that ran through his entire body. Carter was now sitting in the back of the van as Benton had got into the front seat before he had a chance. Carter looped his fingers together and cracked them, the sound quite loud in the silent van apart from the drone from the engine. Luka gave up trying to get some rest and just stared out of the window, his eyes were unfocused as he was not seeing what was outside of the window, he tried to stop the memories from coming but no matter how hard he tried he could not get the image and the sounds of the building being hit by that artillery shell, the cries and screams that surrounded him. He was broke out of his past when he heard a voice that sounded very far away calling his name, and when the think fog that clouded his mind cleared he recognized that it was Mark Greene's voice, and that he sounded very worried.

"Luka...Luka?" Greene had pulled over to the side of the road and was now turned around in his seat and could see how Luka was staring out of the window, his eyes unfocused, face pale, his knuckles white from clenching his fists, and his whole body was trembling. Suddenly Luka's eyes refocused and he looked down at his fist for a moment before flexing his fingers, "Luka, are you okay?" Mark said as he reached a hand and laid it on Luka's forearm, and Luka just nodded slowly, but did not look up.

"You look pale, do you feel nauseous?" Mark said his hand still on Luka's arm, feeling the ever persistent tremble that traveled through him,

"I'll be okay" Luka said very quietly, followed by a cough that Mark knew sounded very much like a chest infection, and gave his arm a squeeze before turning back into the front of the van, "Just tell us if you feel sick and I'll pull over".

Luka looked back out the window, but this time images of bombed building's and screaming people did not fill his mind, but new worries of what it would be like when he got to the clinic, what it would be like, and when he returned to County would people treat him differently, and the thought that scared him the most, _would he ever get better._

The trip to the clinic had been quiet, each of the occupants lost in their own private thoughts and worries, so when 2 ½ hours later they were driving up the driveway of the clinic they all seemed surprised at how quick it took to get there. Greene parked the van in a space that was quite close to the entrance as there were not many car's there.

"Luka, me and you will go and get you signed in, I just need to fill in some paperwork" Greene said as he took off his seatbelt and Luka opened the back door and got out while crossing his arms across his chest to keep the cold out. He followed Greene to the clinic, and was always about two steps behind as he was not exactly apprehensive about the whole idea. Greene opened the door and let Luka enter in front of him and was glad to be greeted by warm air. Greene walked over to the seating area with Luka and sat down as there was someone at the admit desk already. Greene turned in his seat and saw how Luka was leaned forward with his head in his hands,

"I'm sure it will be okay, don't worry" Greene said as he patted Luka's back and got up and walked over to admit….

YEAH! The story is finished, please review and tell me what you think, and if you have any ideas for the sequel, "A new day, A new dawn".


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